How Narcissistic Personality Disorder is The New Epidemic That is Destroying Families

Disclaimer: Narcissism and NPD can also appear in women, but for the sake of this article, and because I work with women who are in relationships with men, I will write from this context.

When there is a part of ourselves we want to hide to make sure people don’t see who we are, it comes out in subtle, stealthy, and less obvious ways.

Those who have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or strong narcissistic traits and may not have NPD, wreak havoc on those closest to them in serious and debilitating ways.

And the ones who suffer the most from these types are their wives and children, because the abuse typically comes out behind closed doors, especially with a covert narcissist.

I don’t throw this term around haphazardly, because it is a very serious character disorder that doesn’t go away. It doesn’t ever change, and those who have experienced this often become a depressed empty shell of who they once were.

It is not about a man being an asshole, emotionally unavailable, or avoidantly attached.

It is a deeply embedded wounding that is difficult to treat because the nature of the disorder is such that they cannot admit fault, or tolerate shame, and any therapist that attempts to hold them accountable for their behavior, will find they will not return to therapy, and will blame the therapist for picking sides or attacking them.

Many successful, ambitious women who are struggling with ongoing high conflict with a spouse who seems fine until issues are raised, who also experience anxiety, exhaustion, and declining physical health in their relationships are experiencing covert narcissistic abuse, and because there are some good things about the relationship, and even their partners, they question if they’re making too much of things, or misreading what is going on.​

There are definitive, predictable, cyclic patterns present with narcissistic abuse that you can be sure are not going to change, and they get worse over time.

It’s not always yelling, raging, or even saying outright nasty things. It’s so subtle, you could rationalize it away. Until you reach a point where you can’t do that anymore.

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Here Are Definitive (And Less Obvious) Patterns Of Covert Narcissistic Abuse:

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• Everything is ‘fine’ only until you have an issue, express a need, or try to talk about something they did. Your spouse is loyal to a fault, does housework, grocery shops, cooks, and is relatively a kind person. (Note: Some of these men do not do housework and are lazy and unsupportive when they are at home, so it can be extreme in either direction)
• You can’t express yourself without your spouse without him getting defensive. All issues you raise end up in a circular argument and he deflects the issue you brought up back onto you, somehow making it your fault
• You’re not seen or heard -you feel invisible. There is no asking about your day, or how you are. No making special plans on his initiative, and you feel you have to beg for the smallest things. He doesn’t care about your ideas or desires and ignores your needs.
• Nothing is ever resolved. There’s no sitting down and talking through issues calmly. You never feel heard, and it always ends up in a bad argument that leaves you feeling emotionally shattered. There is no resolution, and you feel like all the problems are your fault, he takes no ownership of his behavior.
• There’s no affection, reciprocity, or deep emotional connection. The only affection you get is when they want sex, or you may want it because it’s the only time you get his attention. Many women develop an aversion to intimacy with their narcissistic spouse and don’t want to have sex at all. And, it is not uncommon for sexual abuse to be present in these relationships
• You’re constantly walking on eggshells. You worry about his reactions, or what he will complain about next, what mood he will be in when he gets home, and what criticism you will receive next. You always feel on edge, waiting for something to bad happen, and dread when they are coming home. You brace yourself, even when he is not around.
• He will never apologize. He has a ‘perfect persona’ and can do no wrong (according to him). You’ll hear: I’m sorry you feel that way” “I’m sorry that you think I did that”,” I said I’m sorry, what more do you want?”, or “I’m sorry that hurt your feelings”, I’m sorry if I did that”. These are all non-apologies!
• When you express yourself, you’re met with sighs, eye-rolling, and then stonewalling. This is not an occasional thing, this is every single time. There’s never a good time to talk and you can never do it how they think you should.
• He never listens to your concerns, acts busy, or doesn’t act interested in what you’re saying. Often the subject gets changed, or he deflects, minimizes, or belittles your feelings. He will also make you feel as if your ideas are stupid or will go on about how what you’re suggesting will never work.
• You feel lonely and neglected in your relationship. It’s as if you don’t exist to him. There’s no connection and no emotional intimacy.

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Can you relate to any of these as an ongoing pattern in your relationship?

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Wishing you peace and the freedom to be fully YOU on your healing journey,